It's been so long since I've blogged my heart's content. And I'm gonna do that right now. Here, in the comforts of my blog that is not yet known to the whole world. Isn't it such an irony? I'm blogging yet I don't want the world to read. I reckon 'private blog' is a paradox.

Unknown to many, I've been going through much internal conflict. Conflicts with regards to my standards on a certain something. Should I drop my expectations for something that might not even last long? For someone who makes me smile but whom I don't really know much of and someone who don't love the Lord as much, if not even more, than I do? Why is it so clear now yet when I'm alone in my thoughts everything seems so cloudy? What if I bring him to the Lord? Will it work then?

All these pain and confusion? Results of me letting my guard down. For once I allowed myself to let someone else in, without the shield I've been hiding behind for the longest time. Was it right? Should I have done that? I don't know. But I know for sure that I've let this distract me from God.
Still, I'm allowing myself to go through the push and pull, the highs and lows that clearly is nothing but my emotions. I'm going through heartaches all over again. Looking at my phone, waiting for it to vibrate and light up with the familiar name and number. Feeling moments when everything feels perfect, and then times when I get so irritated I could kill him. Why did I let him in? There's an emotional attachment already, and nothing's happened yet.

Dear Lord, take control of my life for me please. I know where this will be going if I'm giving the reins, and I don't want it to distract me from my walk with You Lord. I know You already have my special someone in mind, and I don't have to worry at all about it. So why has this person walked my way and caught my attention? Jesus please take over when I've lost control. I don't want to be engulfed by the flames of regret after going further into it only to realise it is far from what I want in a relationship. Teach me to guard my heart again Lord, to be obedient and patient. Amen.
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