Was going through my emails the other day, reading through a whole lot of them, both received and sent (Yes, I have a problem with deleting emails too, not just personal belongings) and I suddenly realised how much things have changed within such a short period of time.

And then I read about vulnerability and willingness to put yourself out there in a few chapters from a really good book.

And God, with His mysterious power of making things link and speak into my life about the same theme, showed me the problem.

We're all afraid of rejection.

Whether it's rejection from relationships, rejection of an idea, rejection of a kind gesture, rejection from a school, unintentional rejection, intentional malice-filled rejection.

It's daunting for us to put ourselves out there for people to judge and scrutinise, for them to take time and analyse before they come to a decision which either makes or breaks us.

In the dating game, if a girl confesses her feelings to a boy, that boy gains the upper hand. In Peter's words, he win already. He can now think about every single quality about her, compare it with another girl, ask his friends, discuss, rate, comment. Doesn't matter what he is like, how he looks, how he smells, he won.

I'm only using this as an example because it really disgusts me and I guess everyone can somehow understand and/or relate to it?

It is things like this - the existence of MCPs, selfishness, endless competition, greed - that makes every single person build this invisible wall of defense around themselves - thickness depending on how bad their experiences or observations were.

It is all about me. What I can get out of this. How will I benefit. Friendship? Kindness? Doesn't feed me. Don't be naive. Don't be too innocent. Don't get cheated. Don't be deceived. Trust yourself only. Even family can betray you.

Really? That's how it has to be?

I'm actually a very self defensive person. Extremely. It takes years to get through to me. I'm not even kidding. They say friendship is like an onion? Well I am one onion with a thick layer of skin. I don't make friends easily, and when I do, I expect a lot from them (I don't mean action wise but I expect a mutual understanding, reciprocation thing that happens when friendship does), though there's never pressure, cos I never ever pressure anyone but myself. Once I'm disappointed, once trust is broken, I withdraw. You might not even notice the difference but I withdraw emotionally almost instantaneously. I feel vehemently towards defending one self - it should be basic instinct! Why let anyone get to you? When you expect nothing, you'll never be disappointed. I'm puzzled by people who are 'weaker' and even get infuriated by how 'weak' they are.

But I've realised that Jesus was not self defensive. He was everything but self defensive. His whole life was about vulnerability. About 'weakness'. He stripped Himself of everything He had. We 'win'. He came and offered Himself.

He said 'I love you'.

We gloat.
We analyse.
We discuss.
We question.
We compare.
We rate.
We doubt.
We reject.

Doesn't matter who we are. What we do. How disgusting our lives are. What crimes we committed. How cool we are. How holy we are.

We win.

That is love.

Being willing to be in the uncomfortable position of waiting.
Of being rejected.
Of being hurt.
Of risking a perfectly fine heart.
Of being reduced to a number.

How twisted our idea of love is.

So I'm tearing down the walls that surrounds my heart. Brick by brick. Section by section. It will hurt. I'm scared, but I've resolved. I will be stripped of my defenses in order to learn how to love like God does.

A decision to not risk again is a decision to not love again.


It's. Your. Love.
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