Don't worry, I'm not becoming suicidal anytime soon. Just in case anyone gets worried.

Having someone expect so much of you ain't a nice thing. Especially when you want to please that person. Especially when that person should be comforting instead of condescending.

But I will not blow. Take it all in.
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disappointment written all over your face
and you wondered why
accusingly demanding reasoning
and you wondered why
assuming that she's all to blame
and you wondered why
a slit, the blade. pain. drained
lets see you wonder why
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That dread is here again. So distinct, so heavy. Bothering every part of me. Its like eating chocolate. You enjoy eating it, but after it is completely devoured, there's that sickening aftertaste that just makes you wanna eat more chocolate so its the sweet velvety chocolate you taste and not that absence of sweetness.


Yet no matter how prominent this feeling is, no matter how there it is, somehow it always disappears. And thank God it did today. Even though it doesn't mean that I'll suddenly enjoy school, at least there's no fear. Why fear? I think I've been paranoid. The D. Calculation and obsessing over grades, GPA. This is going to stop. I'm trying to take things in my own hands too much. Stressing myself too much. I'll just do my best and let God do the rest. Will striving for straight A's get me where God wants me? It might, but will not if it becomes a distraction.

I absolutely enjoyed this holiday ALOT. Had tremendous fun with my loves. Blading/cycling, homework retreat, the sleepovers, Re-Ignite. And the short catching up session with JARLS and Azrael. Dont know if I'm exaggerating, but it feels like the most fun holidays I've had in a long time.

The next one's gonna be better! :)
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I got a big fat D for my Socio paper. The one and only paper I had I got a D. A freaking D for goodness sake! Not a consolation B, not a still okay C but a D. I'm super upset. SUPER DUPER UPSET. I freaking studied for it okay. GAHHHHHHHH

I need a hug. No don't look at me with that condescending look. So Janine gets a D. BIGGIE WIGGIE. I studied okay. I studied studied studied. I STUDIED!

I AM SO PISSED.

No I just wanna cry.

I really don't get it. How much harder must I try. (As much as I would like to not be a stupid evil selfish person, Cailin got an A. KILL ME)

Let's just quit trying huh. Forget about school. I could do well indulging in mahjong and manicures everyday. Find me a rich old man. Let me rot.

DDDDrats.
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This is going to be another long post that Belle and Rachel would label as boring. Just to warn you.

Well, I've been thinking, of intent and motives again. I don't know why, just did. And it just got me wondering, what is the reason behind our actions. The bigger reason. The main gist of them all. Why are we always out to beat people, to out-talk, to outwit and out-stand everyone else?

Honestly, no matter how much I drill inside my head 'humility humility humility' that tinge of self-ness (I wouldn't say selfishness cos that has too much of a negative implication) would still slip between the cracks and emerge, getting the better of me. Isn't it so true for everyone else to? We have the need for self glorification. We need people to acknowledge our accomplishments. We need people to approve. We need people to know that we were the first to start a certain trend. A certain word even. It is scary. This self-ness could turn friends, best friends even, against each other. The desire to emerge as the winner. Pride. Popularity. Prestige.

Why is it so important to us? Focusing so much on this little bits of 'victories' if you would call them that and missing the whole gretaer cause. Is the taste of this 'victory' - in slamming others, parading your achievements, announcing it to the whole world, putting others down and, more often than not, hurting them in turn to emerge as the 'winner' - so delectable that one goes all out for it? Is it worth it?

It's just human. I guess mere instincts? It is survival of the fittest ain't it? To show off. To be smarter, more desired, prettier, lovable, popular, wittier, richer, more creative. Boy does the list go on. We want to be the best at everything. BUT just being the best isn't enough. Making sure people know you're the best. That is like the cherry on top of that scrumptious sundae.

It is sad. A sad stark truth that it is indeed a dog-eat-dog world we live in. No matter how harmonious the society may seem on the macro level, deep down, everywhere there's politics. Even children nowadays. No more pure innocence in them i dare say. The competition on who plays the games better, who has the better toys, who gets to eat better food. Its all showy. Show and tell.

So easy it is to speak about other people. Identify these ill traits of others, of the society, of the whole human race. But I don't deny this... concept applying to my life. I feel it too. The urge to say something to showcase my vocabulary, my knowledge, my creativity. I find this especially true when it comes to our individual fortes. Yes? Easy example: the game we were playing at Azrael's yseterday. Scrabble Thief. I could feel the tension. Seriously, I knew that there was 'bu gan yuan'-ness from that game. The competitive streak in us was oh so dominant and we just wanted to win. To be the smarter one, the quicker one.

How complicated is the human mind. Even more so when combined with our charateristics.

Why don't we understand, that when it really boils down to our survival, we need each other. Just imagine. If an earthquake were to have taken place during our game yesterday, who would've bothered anymore about the game? Which words belonged to who? Who said what first? These games we play, they don't really matter. Do they?

I would give you more examples, but I think you get my point right.

So, I'm here to say that I'm recognising these horrible traits in me, and am praying that it would never get to me so much that I'd neglect the feelings of those around me. If ever it does happen, or for all the times in the past when it did happen, I'm saying sorry.
Especially to my dear laaa. :) English has always been a testy issue, though unmentioned, between us huh.
And Zoe, I guess this is what propelled someone to blog those SMSes?

Whatever it is, I love you girls. Always have always will.
And everyone else reading this too! Belle, Christine, Rae, EQ, Joram, Aaron, Clement, Ronald. Here's JANINE saying sorry for anything she's done to hurt, consciously or unaware, you. Christine, who cares about who started with the nail polish first? Haha

LOVE!
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Why does a disability change our attitude towards individuals? I suddenly was very aware of this the other day. This nerdy guy was carrying his huge bag on his shoulder, sitting and nodding asleep on the bus. And he was sitting at the very first seat, the one facing the rest of the passengers on the bus, which is clearly not a good seat to sit at cos it just places the seatee under the microscopic scrutiny of every other commuter. Anyway, I didn't pay much attention to the guy, thought 'why can't he put down his bag?', carried on with my book. Until he was readjusting his position to prepare to alight. I felt a stab inside. Janine, you're such a bad person. His hands were contorted, so was the rest of his joints i guess. I think it's probably those bone/joint thing, and it made him walk with a very obvious limp. Also slowed him down a lot. Which somehow caused the blind-or-ignorant bus driver to close the doors on this guy before he reached the door. The guy gan-jionged abit, quickly pressed the bell again. I felt SO BAD for him I wanted to cry. Everyone was staring. He probably has to deal with this real often, what about school? How does his relatives treat him? Does he have friends like we do? Or does everyone shun him or treat him with formality in fear of saying anything wrong that would hurt him?

Same thing with this guy in TP who has it even worse for him. He perpetually lives on his crutches and dad's support. Everywhere he goes, his dad goes. Yes, classes, lecture halls, toilets and so on. Can you imagine? The thing is, you know in school, when we see fellow school/coursemates, we'll be indifferent to them. Of course la, they're so many people walking around school. But when this guy and his dad comes around, you can just tell everyone's trying to send compassionate vibes. (Your's truly included) Just makes me wonder, why does it take a disability to bring out that inner kind soul inside us? And is it really the right thing to do? I mean for us to 'pity' people less abled. Do we make them feel like they're just like us? Or do we go straight and be frank and show our awkwardness, our curiousity and our pity. Okay, I don't know what the point of this post is, but I feel realy bad for people everytime I see them 'suffering'. I remember seeing an adult rollerblading along the walkway this one time, and he fell. I wanted to cry for him. I was only how old then la. I don't like this feeling. Really. I'll imagine their pain, the awkwardness, embarassment they must be going through and I feel it for them, with them. Is that weird or what? Or am I not the only one?

Janine, you're either very silly, or very weird.

The stayover was good fun. SNAP, belly welly; tinee winee; vinnie winnie, MR and MRS Smith (quite senseless), the company. LOVED it. Maybe it's just because I had time away from the pains of staying at home.

Seems like the only thing holding it together is a piece of paper.
It tears me up knowing the could be.

It scared me today.
I could cry.


Rollerblading tomorrow. Looking very forward to it.
Janine realises she loves to hide in the comfort of ignorance. It's a safe place.
I can no longer feel good alone. These thoughts come clouding my mind. I need a constant distraction.
Or maybe it's just me in front of my lappie.

Hai. Janine. Plastered.
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Female porn is really bad. And it's affecting my mom too. She's been caught up in Korean dramas and started talking to me about finding mr right. About finding a guy, with a good background, love me more than i love him, will take care of me. And she added: few years older than you also good. Know how to take care of you. It's quite ridiculous yes? But then, which girl won't want a guy with so many good 'tiao jian'?

Which brings me back to my point. Female porn is bad. The same way porn-porn guys ogle at is bad. Even though messages are totally different and sent through different forms, the whole idea is the same. They both set in the audience's mind what the ideal character/body/look of a guy/girl should be, and most of the time, this ideal is almost unachievable through healthy means.

Yeah, even though girls kinda know that guys like them on tv are just characters, just acting, there isn't a clear line between reality and fiction. What do you think makes girls cry while watching sad movies? The very same thing gets us engrossed and hooked on serials, on romance novels and the likes. Its that little hope harboured, that someday that'll be their story. Well, not really their story. But then I guess its the emotional involvement. Funny, how we can get attached to characters, people we don't even know. No, actually we do know them. Their characters are so well developed that we know them better than we know ourselves. But still, they're not real at all. YET, knowing that we still feel that 'UGH' when something goes against them. We feel their pain, cry when they shed a tear, feel enraged for them when they're going through turmoil that clearly is not justified. Sometimes we even feel lost after a series ends. No? I'm alone on this. Far from it.

So, as much as I'm a 'feminist', I do pity my male counterparts. Even though this doesn't really mean a thing to you guys, it is a form of pressure that you go through. Girls are forced to conform to the media's stencil of perfection, guys are likewise obliged to be mr nice guy, mr buy-her-flowers-everyday. (I'm not saying that guys are affected by this)

I'm guessing my dear laaa does not agree with me? Haha. Got someone to serenade you of course won't agree already. Right?! =P

Janine, you're kinda contradicting yourself and getting quite irritating already. Stop talking about girls and guys already! Shut up! Seriously!

Hai. Janine, Janine. The movies tomorrow will probably get you eating your words. You'll probably feel all warm and fuzzy (again) when shane west be all nice to mandy moore. And feel SAD SAD SAD when the bad stuff come. (They better have A Walk to Remember tomorrow or I'll sound so stupid.)

See, why are we like that.
Nono, Janine, why are YOU like that. Stop speaking for everyone else.
We know what's right, yet everything in us cries out for the exact opposite.

GRRR.
Gosh, I think I'm going crazy.
Janine, just shut up.

Note: Do realise that I'm being highly skeptical. And since it's probably just a phase, DO NOT let me burst any bubbles you have on the romance and the opposite gender. =)
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Are you trying to prove something? Don't, cos I don't care. Please leave me alone. I'm sending you strong signals already. You're either very stupid or you're acting dumb.

Jamming was definitely much much more fruitful today. I'm glad. It was such a different feeling. I like.

Janine sometimes tries too hard. Even in her blog, she racks her brain, trying to think of 'sophisticated' things to blog about, but Janine has to realise that trying too hard sometimes results into nothing. She really wants the holidays to last forever, cos she feels so loved during the holidays. She's meeting Grace for pool tomorrow! Even though she is kinda really broke now cos of the stupid school fees that burns a hole in her bank account. Ronald's a blast to chat with online, even though he's not all that rah-rah in person. She also loves chatting with ZOEEE cos she loves that silly girl so much. She misses LAAA a lot, but that feeling will be gone come next thursday cos they'll all be at azrael's place, dining and movie watching. She could type forever if she wanted. She loved the bus rides with TINEEE and BELLY WELLY.The gummi from MiniToons planted a big smile on her face today cos sour gummi just makes her day a thousand and one times better. But then again, when she thinks of the money that went into it, she heart pains for a while. Sigh, Janine, Janine. when will she ever decide when to stop typing. It's like therapy. All the feelings inside slowly released with every push of the buttons on her keyboard, every word appearing. JANINE! She's really trying to type this feeling away. Times like this, she really just wants to spend quality rah-everything time with her good friends. With people who will sing with her, laugh with her, smile with her and just talk rubbish with her. Times like this, she misses everyone around her. Times like this she realises she's just as needy as the next girl. Okay, enough!

I'm tempted to go run again. But I'm lazy to wash my hair AGAIN. Oh well.

SMILE EVERYBODY! My heart skips a beat just knowing that this sentence made you smile. ADMIT IT! =D
LOVELOVELOVE
JANINE DOES VERY MUCH
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Running, running, as fast as we can.

I've finally gotten off my butt and gotten back to the habit of running everyday. And I'm loving it. The wind against my face, the sweat droplets dripping down my face, my neck, the adrenaline rush that takes over. boy, it feels good. I fit that much closer to fitness.

And girls, don't ever let your weight deceive you. I'm actually losing weight now though I've been eating a whole lot more than before. Proof that weight doesn't matter okay!


You, you're really pathetic. Don't know where you stand at all do you? I really am getting sick of this tirade that goes on in my head. To be mean or not to be mean.
Whatever, I don't care.

Oh yes, go check out the DRblog please! Aaron and ram go spread okay. Ask the others to see too! Much effort was put into it.

Do comment on the previous post, I want to know your views.

=D
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Meaning- significance, point, worth.
It all boils down to meaning. The motivation behind actions and words. The drive that propels a person or group towards a certain goal. The thrust that determines how much a person is willing to give to achieve that same goal.

What happens when meaning disappears and all is left is a habit, ritual, a routine? What then is the point of the remnants? Just for past's sake? For the mere comfort it brings? Or for the fact that it is politically correct to stick to and by it, and maybe the complications of expectations adhered unto you?

Worse. You don't even realise that the meaning is gone. Thwarted.

It all becomes farce. A masquerade. Masks hiding the sheer emptiness behind it.

But then again, who's to say meaning is gone? No one can point fingers, because meaning is subjective. Meaning is innate, if you will, intrinsic. Meaning is owned, possessed. All in the mind. To accuse someone of losing grasp of meaning would be as foolish as trying to read their mind.

I think know I've lost meaning to different areas of my life many times. But then there's always a wake up call, and I'm back on track again, needless to say grateful for the timeliness of the call.

So should we, bystanders, be responsible in enlightening victims of habituality (if there's ever such a word), and be more vulnerable than ever to accusation of judgement? Or shall lips be sealed?

What say you?
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Should I allow myself to sigh of relief and relax a little? Every part of me wants to, but you see there's the Sociology paper to study for, and after Monday, even though it is term break, there is this little nagging voice in my head telling me that there is still huge projects that are headache potentials and definite causes of sleep deprivation. The past few days have been absolute killers. No sleep, little sleep. I didn't even bother to comb my hair before leaving for school today. Assignments can really drive me nuts. Thank God there was Cailin to save me and my mosaic.

Did I mention the fact that the past few weeks of late, long-to-sleep-but-cannot nights have brought me the horror of pimples? I seriously never had so many pimples at the same time in my entire life thus far. And it is freaking me out. I need sleep.

Is this all worth it? Sacrificing precious winks for the sake of attaining that sacred 'A' in hope of pulling up the GPA. I can't justify right now, but till I can, let's just be dumb and unreflective and just biah. I've come to realise quite some time ago that although some people have brains, normally, its people with the determination and self-discipline to work hard that flies high. Yes, so that shall be me. =)

I miss the best friends. But for now, Sociology first! Let's spend time with Comte, Durkheim, Weber and Marx, Janine. They're smart.

Don't you wish you could split yourself sometimes? So much more could be accomplished. The school work may be important, but I want to make this year special.
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