Dear friends,

It is exactly one month to my birthday today.

I'm using my birthday this year to support charity: water's September campaign to bring clean and safe drinking water to the people of Ethiopia.

More than 1 billion people around the world today don't have the most basic thing: clean water to drink. That's one in six of us. Over 4,500 kids die each and every day from water-related disease. To do my part, I've been supporting an organization called charity: water that has been making a real difference in the past 3 years.

This year, I've decided to give up birthday gifts again and ask for donations instead. 100% of the money raised will go directly to building freshwater wells, which will be proved with GPS coordinates and photos on Google Earth.

I'm asking for my age in dollars (take note that it is in USD). 20 dollars can a help one person in Africa drink clean water for 20 years. 100% of all donations goes directly to water projects.

Please make a donation on my page:
http://mycharitywater.org/strippedtolove

Thank you!

Love,
Janine Ng

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As I consciously try to figure out my actions, detecting any specks of defensiveness in them, in the root of my actions and try to correct them, shoving myself out in the open,

I

feel

raw.

Part of me wants to go back to how things were - my normal. It would be easier, I don't have to think so much, don't have to be confused at all. The other, smaller part, well, it's dying to break free, but the bigger part will not allow it until it makes sense of the whole smaller part situation and come to a final conclusion with solid reasoning to support it.

You probably won't understand cos it's all internal. Lol. If you could stay in my brain for a day, I bet you will be freaked out by the crazy numbers of continuous conversations I have with my numerous other selves in my head. Yes. It's been increasing.

It's not all that bad. I find myself entertaining when I'm bored. :]

You're my silver lining, covered in gold.
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When did I stop being enough for myself, for people.

I think there is a line between desiring to be more like Jesus and not being true to the person that God made me to be. Where is that line? (I think I got the answer just by typing that out. Freaky.)

I feel like I'm trying too hard. But I don't want to be wrong or go off track.

I think Psalm 119 is the coolest psalm ever, besides being the longest.

^9-16 How can a young person live a clean life?
By carefully reading the map of your Word.
I'm single-minded in pursuit of you;
don't let me miss the road signs you've posted.
I've banked your promises in the vault of my heart
so I won't sin myself bankrupt.
Be blessed, God;
train me in your ways of wise living.
I'll transfer to my lips
all the counsel that comes from your mouth;
I delight far more in what you tell me about living
than in gathering a pile of riches.
I ponder every morsel of wisdom from you,
I attentively watch how you've done it.
I relish everything you've told me of life,
I won't forget a word of it.

...

^25-32 I'm feeling terrible—I couldn't feel worse!
Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember?
When I told my story, you responded;
train me well in your deep wisdom.
Help me understand these things inside and out
so I can ponder your miracle-wonders.
My sad life's dilapidated, a falling-down barn;
build me up again by your Word.
Barricade the road that goes Nowhere;
grace me with your clear revelation.
I choose the true road to Somewhere,
I post your road signs at every curve and corner.
I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me;
God, don't let me down!
I'll run the course you lay out for me
if you'll just show me how.

...

^169-176 Let my cry come right into your presence, God;
provide me with the insight that comes only from your Word.
Give my request your personal attention,
rescue me on the terms of your promise.
Let praise cascade off my lips;
after all, you've taught me the truth about life!
And let your promises ring from my tongue;
every order you've given is right.
Put your hand out and steady me
since I've chosen to live by your counsel.
I'm homesick, God, for your salvation;
I love it when you show yourself!
Invigorate my soul so I can praise you well,
use your decrees to put iron in my soul.
And should I wander off like a lost sheep—seek me!
I'll recognize the sound of your voice.

Why do simple things seem so difficult sometimes Lord. :/


Please melt my heart to mush. It really has way too many defensive layers.

He's teaching me so much about myself, about my heart. My beautifully created, irreplaceable heart.

Funny, distance makes talking so much easier.
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Was going through my emails the other day, reading through a whole lot of them, both received and sent (Yes, I have a problem with deleting emails too, not just personal belongings) and I suddenly realised how much things have changed within such a short period of time.

And then I read about vulnerability and willingness to put yourself out there in a few chapters from a really good book.

And God, with His mysterious power of making things link and speak into my life about the same theme, showed me the problem.

We're all afraid of rejection.

Whether it's rejection from relationships, rejection of an idea, rejection of a kind gesture, rejection from a school, unintentional rejection, intentional malice-filled rejection.

It's daunting for us to put ourselves out there for people to judge and scrutinise, for them to take time and analyse before they come to a decision which either makes or breaks us.

In the dating game, if a girl confesses her feelings to a boy, that boy gains the upper hand. In Peter's words, he win already. He can now think about every single quality about her, compare it with another girl, ask his friends, discuss, rate, comment. Doesn't matter what he is like, how he looks, how he smells, he won.

I'm only using this as an example because it really disgusts me and I guess everyone can somehow understand and/or relate to it?

It is things like this - the existence of MCPs, selfishness, endless competition, greed - that makes every single person build this invisible wall of defense around themselves - thickness depending on how bad their experiences or observations were.

It is all about me. What I can get out of this. How will I benefit. Friendship? Kindness? Doesn't feed me. Don't be naive. Don't be too innocent. Don't get cheated. Don't be deceived. Trust yourself only. Even family can betray you.

Really? That's how it has to be?

I'm actually a very self defensive person. Extremely. It takes years to get through to me. I'm not even kidding. They say friendship is like an onion? Well I am one onion with a thick layer of skin. I don't make friends easily, and when I do, I expect a lot from them (I don't mean action wise but I expect a mutual understanding, reciprocation thing that happens when friendship does), though there's never pressure, cos I never ever pressure anyone but myself. Once I'm disappointed, once trust is broken, I withdraw. You might not even notice the difference but I withdraw emotionally almost instantaneously. I feel vehemently towards defending one self - it should be basic instinct! Why let anyone get to you? When you expect nothing, you'll never be disappointed. I'm puzzled by people who are 'weaker' and even get infuriated by how 'weak' they are.

But I've realised that Jesus was not self defensive. He was everything but self defensive. His whole life was about vulnerability. About 'weakness'. He stripped Himself of everything He had. We 'win'. He came and offered Himself.

He said 'I love you'.

We gloat.
We analyse.
We discuss.
We question.
We compare.
We rate.
We doubt.
We reject.

Doesn't matter who we are. What we do. How disgusting our lives are. What crimes we committed. How cool we are. How holy we are.

We win.

That is love.

Being willing to be in the uncomfortable position of waiting.
Of being rejected.
Of being hurt.
Of risking a perfectly fine heart.
Of being reduced to a number.

How twisted our idea of love is.

So I'm tearing down the walls that surrounds my heart. Brick by brick. Section by section. It will hurt. I'm scared, but I've resolved. I will be stripped of my defenses in order to learn how to love like God does.

A decision to not risk again is a decision to not love again.


It's. Your. Love.
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