I just wanted to say I feel nice. Nicely cooped up in this little private corner in the whole blogging community which is so messed up. All throwing bombs at each other, first words, then videos, who knows whats next. It's quite stupid. And ridiculous. Which is why I'm here to pass the warmth around. We love. We don't run people down. :)

It's just a passing thought. I've been thinking of the X very often the past few days. Reminiscing, though I cannot say there was much to be reminiscent about. I know, we weren't a proper bf-gf even, but still it was a huge chunk of my life, so I'm granted the right to. And... I must say I wonder ever so often, why things turned out so badly. I see him now, and he runs away. Almost literally. (He flew the moment he stepped out of the bus that I coincidentally was on) I don't know him anymore. At all. Maybe I never knew the him-him. He was always different around me. I wished we were still on talking terms, but then I hate that he's the way he is right now. So, whatever.

His back is so not familiar. But that walk.

I feel very irritated. Do I sound like a broken tape recorder that plays the same thing over and over again? Every once in a while I dig this up and it bugs me! I've gotten over it. So why do I still get stuck on the thoughts? Its like seasons you know. Every once in a while, you feel the same things you felt. Except they don't have fixed timeframes or signs that tell of their coming. They just creep up on you and RAH!

Oh yes yes. Happy belated birthday EQ-san!

Aww, he looks so cute! No wonder someone's secretly falling for you EQ! My knight! You're such a joy to be around, and even though your hair's not like before, I still love you the same brother! (You know who to give the bigger cookies to ah..)
"EQ more important" :)

You better comment!!
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I've decided. My future home MUST have a proper oven. I'm going to be the kind of mother that bakes stuff for her kids. Brownies, cakes, cookies, muffins with chocolate centres! :)

And I just cooked a very not-so-carbonara carbonara. Why? Cos I substituted cream for milk, and thats banana milk to make it worse (valerie conveniently grabbed the banana one instead. Cos yellow looks like the plain). And instead of grated parmesan, I used chunks of Chesdale. Woohoo. But it turned out okay anyway. Maybe because I put the IKEA meatballs in, so its not that bad.

RAH. I'm looking for 2 extras, who will be available next Tuesday and Friday! Afternoon-ish time. Please help me ask around if you have friends that don't do school okay. THANKS!
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I have so much to blog about! So many thoughts running through my mind; from reading, from the carnival, meeting Azrael, Edward and everyone else at the carnival who couldn't recognise me. It was fun disturbing, or 'scaring' people as Ronald says, watching their faces show everything that says confusion and then light up with recognition and the happiness it brings them to see me again.

I have so many movies, good movies, that Azrael lent me. SO excited. I wish it's the holidays, then I'd be able to have a day off, order pizza with everything on it, and every other junk food that I love, and just snuggle somewhere nice and cosy to watch them all! Just like in Gilmore Girls, except my living room ain't nice and cosy at all. So I'll have to find somewhere nice to do that if I wanna. But then I can't and I won't, so I'll just settle for sofa in church and twisties and chocolate.

Okay, I have many thoughts, but I will not let them out here, not now, not in this post cos then it'll lose it's essence, mixing up with all these other loose strands of thoughts here and there. :)
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WHEW.

I survived. :) Life has been school, tuition, stay up till 3-4 a.m., sleep, school again. TIRING! Tried catching up on the much needed sleep but I still feel that ache-y feeling around my eyes.

Oh wait, I have yet to celebrate it. Sociology's down!!! Both assignments due on the same day is absolutely horrid, but THEY'RE OVER!

Janine, I'm so proud of you.

So that leaves BMR, AudioPro and SingCam. Besides BMR, the rest are pretty much enjoyable. BMR's pretty much settled anyway.

Now, I should get off my butt and start preparing to head over to Holy High. I miss Benazir's Grandmother's food so bad. The chilli. The mayo. YUMM

Oh, just so you know, I'm done with the third season! Hopefully will get the fourth seaon later from Azrael. And Schindler's List too. :) YAY!
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Don't read this yet if you haven't already read the short story. Go and read that!

Anyway, much has been happening. Watched Harry Potter with Ronald, Azrael and his cousins, Chris and Thomas and another young one whose name I forgot (enlighten me Ronald). It was surprisingly good. I was kind of lost at the start, trying to figure out which characters were which, based on whatever I remember of Harry Potter. Never was a fan of his, but I did read the first 4 books. The effects were good, even though it gave me a slight headache from the up-close view on the second row. And editing, boy the editing. I didn't dwell on it during the movie, was just a thought from afterwards, but the editing, must have been at least a hundred times worse then the MSN conversation I did for our PSA, which I'm proud of I might add. :)

Ice cream was good, though I was 'so shy today' according to the conversationalist. And I realised that I'm actually different to different people. Not in that chameleon-taking-on-personality-with-each-individual-way, but in a they-don't-realise-that-about-me or they've-never-seen-that-of-me way. To some I'm reserved, shy, to others I'm loud, fun, chatty. Azrael was saying that I was exceptionally quiet, and that I was usually chattier. I was thinking he hasn't seen me in poly. Plus, everytime he hangs out with us, it's us. The comfortable gang, the good ole peeps. Yeah you get my drift. Glimpses of Janine.

The ride back was great. At one point in time, I felt like sticking my hands out to 'feel' the wind, but I refrained from doing so. Lest Azrael think I'm insane. I'll wait till I'm the driving. LOL

The Gilmore Girls still rock my world. Even though I'm totally against the ruin-everything-between-Dean-for-Jess move Rory pulled, I still love them. :)
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This will seem totally insane, but i really love this short story. And sharing the love is what Janine does best :)

The Other Side of The Hedge
by E.M.Forster

My Pedometer told me that I was twenty-five; and though it is a shocking thing to stop walking, I was so tired that I sat down on a milestone to rest. People outstripped me, jeering as they did so, but I was too apatheticto feel resentful, and even when Miss Eliza Dimbleby, the great educationist, swept past, exhorting me to persevere, I only smiled and raised my hat.

At first I though I was goin gto be like my brother, whom I had had to leave by the roadside a year or two round the corner. He had wasted his breath on singing, and his strength on helping others. But I had travelled more wisely, and now it was only the monotony of the highway that oppressed me-dust under foot and brown crackling hedges on either side, ever since I could remember.

And I had already dropped several things-indeed, the road behind was strewn with the things we all had dropped; and the white dust was settling down on them, so that already thay looked no better than stones. My muscles were so weary that I could not even bear the weight of those things I still carried. I slid off the milestone into the road, and lay there prostrate, with my face to the great parched hedge, praying that I might give up.

A little puff of air revived me. It seemed to come from the hedge; and, when I opened my eyes, there was a glint of light through the tangle of boughs and dead leaves. The hedge could not be as thick as usual. In my weak, morbid state, I longed to force my way in, and see what was on the other side. No one was in sight, or I should not have dared to try. For we of the road do not admit in conversation that there is another side at all.

I yielded to the temptation, saying to myself that I would come back in a mintue. The thorns scratched my face, and I had to use my arms as a shield, depending on my feet alone to push me forward. Halfway through I would have gone back, for in the passage all the things I was carrying were scraped off me, and my clothes were torn. But I was so wedged that return was impossible, and I had to wriggle blindly forward, expecting every moment that my strength would fail me, and that I should perish in the undergrowth.

Suddenly cold water closed round my head, and I seemed sinking down for ever. I had fallen out of the hedge into a deep pool. I rose to the surface at last, crying for help, and I heard someone on the opposite back laugh and say: "Another!" And then I was twitched out and laid panting on the dry ground.

Even when the water was out of my eyes, I was still dazed for I had never been in so large a space, nor seen such a grass and sunshine. The blue sky was no longer a strip, and beneath it the earth had risen gradually into hills-clean, bare buttresses, with beech trees in their folds, and meadows and clear pools at their feet. But the hills were not high, and there was in the landscape a sense of human occupation-so that one might have called it a park, or garden, if words did not imply a certain triviality and constraint.

As soon as I got my breath, I turned to my rescuer and said: "Where does this place lead to?"

"Nowhere, thank the Lord!" said he, and laughed. He was a man of fifty or sixty-just the kind of age we mistrust on the road-but there was no anxiety in his manner, and his voice was that of a boy of eighteen.

"But it must lead somewhere!" I cried, too much surprised at his answer to thank him for saving my life.

"He wants to know where it leads!" he shouted to some men on the hill side, and they laughed back and waved their caps.

I noticed then that the pool into which I had fallen was really a moat which bent round to the left and to the right, and that the hedge followed it continually. The hedge was green on this side-its roots showed through the clear water, and fish swam about in them-and it was wreathed over with dog-roses and Traveller's Joy. But I was a barrier, and in a moment I lost all pleasure in the grass, the sky, the trees, the happy men and women, and realised that the place was but a prison, for all its beauty and extent.

We moved away from the boundary, and then followed a path almost parallel to it, across the meadows. I found it difficult walking, for I was always trying to out-distance my companion, and there was no advantage in doing this if the place led nowhere. I had never kept step with anyone since I left my brother.

I amused him by stopping suddenly and saying disconsolately, “This is perfectly terrible. One cannot advance: one cannot progress. Now we of the road—“

“Yes. I know.”
“I was going to say, we advance continually.”
“I know.”
“We are always learning, expanding, developing. Why, even in my short life I have seen a great deal of advance-the Transvaal War, the Fiscal Question, Christian Science, Radium. Here for example—“

I took out me pedometer, but it still marked twenty-five, not a degree more.

“Oh, it’s stopped! I meant to show you. It should have registered all the time I was walking with you. But it makes me only twenty-five.”

“Many things don’t work here,” he said. “One day a man brought in Lee-Metford, and that wouldn’t work.”

“The law of science are universal in their application. It must be the water in the moat that has injured the machinery. In normal conditions everything works. Science and the spirit of emulation-those are the forces that have made us what we are.”

I had to break off and acknowledge the pleasant greetings of people whom we passed. Some of them were singing, some talking, some engaged in gardening, hay-making, or other rudimentary industries. They all seemed happy; and I might have been happy too, if I could have forgotten that the place led nowhere.

I was startled by a young man who came sprinting across our path, took a little fence in fine style, and went tearing over a ploughed field till he plunged into a lake, across which he began to swim. Here was true energy, and I exclaimed: “A cross-country race! Where are the others?”

“There are no others,” my companion replied; and later on, when we passed some longgrass from which came the voice of a girl singing exquisitely to herself, he said again: “There are no others.” I was bewildered at the waste of production, and murmured to myself, “What does it all mean?”

He said: “It means nothing by itself”-and he repeated the words slowly, as if I were a child.

“I understand,” I said quietly, “but I do not agree. Every achievement is worthless unless it is a link in the chain of development. And I must not trespass in your kindness any longer. I must get back somehow to the road, and have my pedometer mended.”

“First, you must see the gates,” he replied, “for we have gates, though we never use them.”

I yielded politely, and before long we reached the moat again, at a point where it spanned by a bridge. Over the bridge was a big gate, as white as ivory, which fitted into a gap in the boundary hedge. The gate opened outwards, and I exclaimed in amazement, for from it ran a road-just such a road as I had left-dusty under foot, with brown crackling hedges on either side as far as the eye could reach.

“That’s my road!” I cried.

He shut the gate and said: “But not your part of the road. It is through this gate that humanity went out countless ages ago, when it first seized with the desire to walk.”

I denied this, observing that the part of the road I myself had left was not more than two miles off. But with the obstinacy of his years he repeated: “It is the same road. This is the beginning, and though it seems to run straight away from us, it doubles so often, that it is never far from our boundary and sometimes touches it.” He stooped down by the moat, and traced on its moist margin an absurd figure like a maze. As we walked back through the meadows, I tried to convince him of his mistake.

“The road sometimes doubles, to be sure, but that is part of our discipline. Who can doubt that its general tendency is onward? To what goal we know not-it may be to some mountain where we shall touch the sky, it may be over precipices into the sea. But that it goes forward-who can doubt that? It is the thought of that that makes us strive to excel, each in his own way, and gives us as impetus which is lacking with you. Now that man who passed us-it’s true that he ran well, and jumped well, and swam well; but we have men who can run better, and men who can jump better, and who can swim better. Similarly, that girl—“

Here I interrupted myself to exclaim: “Good gracious me! I could have sworn it was Miss Eliza Dimbleby over there, with her feet in the fountain!”

He believed that it was.

“Impossible! I left her on the road, and she is due to lecture this evening at Tunbridge Wells. Why, her train leaves Cannon Street in-of course my watch has stopped like everything else. She is the last person to be here.”

“People always are astonished at meeting each other. All kinds come through the hedge, and come at all times-when they are drawing ahead in the race, when they are lagging behind, when they are left for dead. I often stand near the boundary listening to the sounds of the road-you know what they are-and wonder if anyone will turn aside. It is my great happiness to help someone out of the moat, as I helped you. For our country fills up slowly, though it was meant for all mankind.”

“Mankind have other aims,” I said gently, for I thought him well-meaning; “and I must join them.” I bade him good evening, for sun was declining, and I wished to be on the road by nightfall. To my alarm, he caught hold of me, crying: “You are not to go yet!” I tried to shake him off, for we had no interests in common, and his civility was becoming irksome to me. But for all my struggles the tiresome old man would not let go; and, as wrestling is not my specialty, I was obliged to follow him.

It was true that I could never have found alone the place where I came in, and I hoped that, when I had seen the other sights about which he was worrying, he would take me back to it. But I was determined not to sleep in the country, for I mistrusted if, and the people too, for all their friendliness. Hungry though I was, I would not join them in their evening meals of milk and fruit, and, when they gave me flowers, I flung them away as soon as I could do so unobserved. Already they were lying down for the night like cattle-some out on the bare hillside, others in groups under the beeches. In the light of an orange sunset I hurried on with my unwelcome guide, dead tired, faint for want of food, but murmuring indomitably: “Give me life, with its struggles and victories, with its failures and hatred, with its deep moral meaning and its unknown goal!”

At last we came to a place where the encircling moat was spanned by another bridge, and where another gate interrupted the line of the boundary hedge. It was different from the first gate; for it was half transparent like horn, and opened inwards. But through it, in the waning light, I saw again just such a road as I left-monotonous, dusty, with brown crackling hedges on either side, as far as the eye could reach.

I was strangely disquieted at the sight, which seemed to deprive me of all self-control. A man was passing us, returning for the night to the hills, with a scythe over his shoulder and a can of some liquid in his hand. I forgot the destiny of our race. I forget the road that lay before my eyes, and I sprang at him, wrenched the can out of his hand, and began to drink.

It was nothing stronger than beer, but in my exhausted state it overcame me in a moment. As in my dream, I saw the old man shut the gate, and heard him say: “This is where your road ends, and through this gate humanity-all that is left of it-will come in to us.”

Though my senses were sinking into oblivion, they seemed to expand ere they reached it. They perceived the magic song of nightingales, and the odour of invisible hay, and stars piercing the fading sky. The man whose beer I had stolen lowered me down gently to sleep off its effects, and, as he did so, I saw that he was my brother.

You probably have to re-read it a few times to get it. But then again, having typed the whole story out, I still haven't gotten it totally. Everytime I read it I discover another metaphor! So enjoy :)
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We did it guys, we pulled through! We completed to fabulous book that everyone of us wants. We got her pals in together on our secret. Mission accomplished.

Credits goes to everyone Zoe,
Laa, for being the support and opening her house for us to work in AND for being a distraction while I kope your friends' numbers.
Ronald, mr professionally stressed hole puncher
Abriel, bbq planner slash self appointed treasurer (i still owe people money!)
Joel, for being the decoy.

I loved meeting up every night, working hard on the scrapbook and talking rubbish with you's. Macdonalds, amphitheatre, Laa's place. Memories made while we were gathering them together on paper.

"You guys are hilarious." I love that we are.

JARLZ, you have my heart.


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(Now your name is even MORE outstanding :D)

"You know the first day at school, when I saw you, I wanted to make friends with you."

These were the words written in my autograph book. I would never have believed we'd be such close friends, and you'd have such an important place in my heart. But I guess thats how life goes and thats what makes it sweeter. Unpredictable. Even now as I look back and reminisce, I don't regret not knowing you better, earlier, or being "enemies" with you. Cos sweetheart, I reckon thats what made our friendship special.

And it is special.

How we've seen each other through good times and bad. From the very first Secondary One crushes to first heartbreaks. We practically know each other through and through! And I'm glad. Glad that I have someone to turn to, glad that we are so strongly held together that months close to a full year of not seeing each other doesn't change a thing.

Words, oh words. How do I string them together to express feelings that are so alive and dying to burst out of me?

Love, you were my confidante, my sunshine. You helped me with my first guy, you were always the mediator. You brightened up my day with your random MSN chats. Even though it never worked out, I'm glad that I had that bogus relationship with Chuan Xun. Because I got to know you. It was then that we chatted endlessly on MSN, you telling me what he said, me telling you how I felt. It feels so foolish thinking back now, but that was us.

And you. You love hard darling. Every relationship you've been in, without a doubt, you gave your all. With Peng Ru, Nelson, then Lester. You gave your best sweetie. I know. When I held you, I felt your pain. And it killed me that I couldn't do anything to help take them away. But love, that's how we learn. As much as it sucks, and as cliche as it sounds, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I know how much Lester has hurt you, (I feel like killing him too!) but see Zoe, now you know that guys can be jerks. Guys can be so not worth your love.

No, I'm not trying to convert you to feminism. But darling, guard your heart. We know your stand towards relationships, so save your heart for someone who won't toy with it. Someone who understands that you're serious. Someone who respects you and treats you like a princess. And most importantly, someone JARLZ approve! :D

You know, some friends are the come-and goers. Some just hitch a ride in your life. Some you will remember forever. But few, you'll have for the rest of your life. You my dear, I wanna keep forever. I'm going to stick by you Zoe. Whether you like it or not. I want to be here for you. I want you to be there for me too. I want us to be friends till we are old and dying, if we live that long. Our children, grandchildren will be family friends, and they'll look back and know our story. The Powerpuff Girls. Pooh, Tigger and Piglet.

You are beyond precious to me, to JARLZ. Your spontaneity, your blonde ways, your crappy jokes, and your glam unglam moments. Classic ZOEEEEE!!!!!!-smack-our-foreheads moments. You bring smiles into lives. And I love you girlfriend, from the bottom of my heart. I love you for your say-anything-on-your-mind attitude. I love you for your heartwarming day-making SMSes. I love you Zoe Ho Xiu Jin! You know words cannot express my love.

Anyway, Miss Social Butterfly. You know how our hearts melted just watching you get all excited and emotional over the scrapbook? I'm SO happy that we pulled through and completed our surprise for you. Thank you for reserving your special day for us! Yes babe, that's how much we'll do to see your smile, to know that we tugged a heartstring. To see you happy.

You're eighteen Zoe. Happy Birthday.
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This week has been crazy! Janine has been working her butt off like nobody's business. She's been reminiscing a lot. And it's a very special person's birthday this Friday. 18th birthday. Dearest, I hope you have fun with us. Don't worry bout the plans yet okay. Concentrate on your papers, whatever's left. Haven't talked to you in a long long time! Well.

Love you people. And you Zoe. :) AND JARLZ!
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