I wish I could just walk, on and on. Aimlessly, without a destination for once. Going wherever my feet takes me.

On and on.
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I hate this.
How many more times can a heart sink? Is there no end? A bottomless pit? How long more will this go on?
What are we doing? Are we doing things right? We are trying so hard. Do You see? Lord, how long more must we have such sorrow in our hearts? The pain and frustrations, oh the weights in our hearts.

Our fragile hearts.

Let us not lose this flame, God. All we long to do is to serve You. And that is getting harder and harder each day as we get entangled in this heap of confusion.

I wish You'd speak to me loud and clear. I wish You'd tell me straight in the face if I'm not doing the right thing, if I'm not doing enough. I sometimes wish You'd just take me to heaven with You, away from this world, where there is confusion and pain and evil everywhere. Not one place is spared.

I wish I could be a thermostat, but its too hard Lord. I've tried. I'm trying so hard. I'm stretched beyond my limits. I feel trampled on. Torn. Manipulated. Lost. Confused. All I want is You. All I want is You Lord. Why is that so hard.

What now?

How long o Lord? How long?

P.S.
Still I'll trust in Your unfailing love. Yes my heart will rejoice. Still I'll sing of Your unfailing love. You have been good, You will be good to me.

Love,
Janine.
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Oooh Max Brenners! :) Alas, yet another low key surprise birthday thingo. Wee! Fun!

Asia Conference and Fresh Fire was good. I enjoy the process of going to these conferences; the queuing, eating bk, staying till late at night yo, and going back for more the very next day. It is tiring really, but I love it. Plus Asia Conference was free! Too bad it was during school, if not I'd have signed up for the workshops and all. They had so many good stuff and one person can choose up to SIX workshops! And of course those ultra cool delegates lanyards. :) I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

On one of those nights, speaker shared about giving up everything to obey God's calling and for His anointing. Like seriously everything. He was dead sure and strict about it. Giving EVERYTHING up, even family, dear ones, etc. And he asked us if we were willing to. Everyone immediately shouted yes, and I was taken aback. In my mind, I was scared. Everything? Are you serious?! That's huge! That's not an easy decision. I thought to myself, are you sure. Are you sure. Are you sure. And I was really panicking, honestly.

After much more bantering in my mind, I felt ridiculous. What do I have in my life that I cannot give up? Right now, really nothing at all. But it wasn't 'right now' that I was thinking about at all. I was thinking of my future. What if I have a family next time? Give up my children? My husband? Does this mean that I can't have my dream family anymore?

HAH! Can you believe that. Yes, I'm sure you all know how much I want a family. Many kids. And shower them with love. But to have that against God? Surely that cannot be. How can I hold back from God for things that have yet to exist?

I'm sure now. That I can say yes. I thank God for revealing this part of me that was holding back. I wanted a good family. I want children to love. I want a good husband. I want to be a good mother. All me. If it's not what God wants, I can now say its okay. I'm cool. Of course, it'll probably be more painful when it really happens (or does not) but I want to do what God wants. Not what I want.

Yay. <3

Oh heart, dear heart,
why dost thou never listen
Be not a possessor, for none art thine
Blame none for thy self afflicted sufferings
did you not seek trouble when thou had none?

Were you designed with a another that thou mayst long for company
Wilt thou not live without a partner?
I trow not!
Pray thee, leave things be.
For like a flower that blooms in its own timing
thou wilt be beautiful, when thou durst wait.

Like a bud, wait.

Lols. My old English vocabulary and grammar is bad. I need more shakespeare! But so boring. Not like I've ever read. I love how the dialogues sound though. Like romeo and juliet. :o
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There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give You my destiny
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

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Now is when you stick your feet on the ground and make your stand. The stand. Now is when it matters most because only now you know what it takes to be undeterred. Now is when the words you spoke in love and in awe, so fervently and faithfully, determined, has to be proven with action.

For how can you tell what light is if you've never experienced darkness. Or the beauty of healing without brokenness or pain. How can one love, without knowing what it is like to live without love.

It is now, when times are toughest. When you feel like giving up. When everything crashes down. When the world falls apart. When no one is around. It is now that you dig your feet deeper and lift your hands higher and declare no matter how hard it is that you're in and you'll never bail out.

You might just die while at it. No one said it's gonna be easy. But hey, you promised. No one forced you to be bold and pledge allegiance.

this matter is mine, don't worry I'm fine
this matter is mine.
I'm not gonna give it up.
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and as the sun sets once again, just you and your thoughts. going places, loving strangers. building a life all in your mind.

Imagination is such a wonderful thing. It lets you take time out from reality and live for a moment in your dreams where everything goes your way and love is simple, and animals can talk. It gives room for the hopefuls to have a glimpse at how things could be if life always deals you a good hand. I'd walk in roses, grow my own flowers and give them out free to people who come my way. I'd take time to smile at strangers and talk to people whose eyes meet mine. I'd have no job but live with a mission to love people, make their days, hear their cries, cry with them, buy them food cos I can. I'd look into your eyes and tell you I love you without squirming and mean it completely from the very depths of my heart. Wear my heart on my sleeves.

I think we're all born with the capacity to imagine. Some more than others. Some literally see it in their minds, the colours, the people, the objects, like they could actually touch. A book could help you imagine, a really good author guides you along a great journey that is really your own. Give a child a blank sheet of paper and a crayon.

I've imagined a friend once. She was way younger than me, but so pretty and lovable. We were best friends, and I'd have given the world for her to be happy. But then my imagination gave way and I forgot how she looked like after a while. She became just a girl with a simple smiley face. No distinct feature, no colour, no personality. I could've imagined how she looked again, but it would never have been the same girl I first imagined.

It would be scary to live in your imagination. Nothing would ever stay the same. The moment you close your eyes and allow your brain to rest, you erase your entire life. Sure the next day you'd recover it, but there'd be discrepancies. The grass might be greener, your flowers a different hue. You might live a day all over again. Miss a whole entire month maybe. And you'd probably never die.

So take a bite off your apple but spit out the seeds. Who knows when the roots will take hold of thee?
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Yes, chin up janine!

When life throws a truckloada at you lemons, make lemonades! Situations can come all they want. Chins remain up.

Away with depression, bingeing, suicidal thoughts and pity parties (oh c'mon don't be surprised). CHIN UP!

Lord, take my keys. Walk with me. Answer my doors.

I hate this stupid wimp I've become. I know the person I can be.
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