I made something today that I feel extremely proud of. I didn't know it'd be so easy. But I can't tell you what yet cos it's a secret. Got inspired by dear van. :D

For a sec, I feel less antsy. Then, I realise that I've got.. hmm, 3 things to finish by this week. Actually 4 if I count 1 that's due next monday. Are they insane? I think they just want to kill us. And I don't even have CDS this sem.

And that is just for school. :/

Weeeee. Janine is jumping jacks.

I hate it when we say goodbye.
Alone for the rest of the night, without you.
Stop me, stop me.

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... if blood is thicker than water, I think I might be anemic.
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...hurt.

...only happy when they're around.

...actually freaking out real bad because she has a pile of assignments that are far from completion and she has so many other stuff on her hands as well.

What should she do? She really just wants to cry like a wuss and forever curl up in bed, lifeless aimless but stressless.

Boo. Boo scriptwriting. Boo broadcast journ. Boo media law. Boo ATV!!!

Boo janine.
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... extremely exhausted, caught a cold, superbly stressed, packed with problems beyond pupilage perceptions.

okay, the last one is just to completely the lit thing which I've forgotten the name of.

Christmas is just not christmas this year. With a load of assignments waiting to throttle me, how can I enjoy the festive seasons? 2 days at most. I can relax for two 24-hours day.

Somebody save me. Do my assignments for me will ya? I'd be really nice to you for the rest of my life!
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It takes effort to be me. I don't mean that in the it's-not-easy-to-be-me-i'm-superman sense. But that I'm finding it harder to be the "optimistic-glass-half-full" (in the words of Mandy Moore) girl that I've always been. Still, it ain't gonna be circumstances that dictate how I'm going to be/feel/act. I'm fighting back yo!

Of course, judging from my fluctuations and inconsistency in my thoughts that comes out to you through my posts, I could just flip the next post and be all dark and cryptic again. Cos it'll be very easy to. All it takes is one small prod.

I hope not. *inserts big grin

Today, I...
discovered salted caramel cheesecake ice cream. Didn't get my buttered pecans but oh well. Another flavour for another day!
witnessed a traffic accident that was not very serious.
was late for editing but it was okay cos the servers were down or something for the whole day anyway. Sigh (but secretly am happy cos I don't have to edit for now. Crosses fingers. Projects be gone because servers are permanently non accessible! YES! hahaha)
watched Music and Lyrics and 12 minutes of the Dark Knight which I missed unknowingly the first time

I've been thinking in the facebook status frame a lot (read: Janine is....) like in the IML musical. Didn't mention it here, but to all my not from DR friends, my friend was in the play yo! All the teenagers in the play are just talented. Smart, talented, artistic, some even have their own lil business going already!

Janine is buttered pecan!

You set my world on fire
I'm turning inside out to be with You
So I'll be waiting here
And our love can live forever
Coz in Your eyes I've seen who I could be
So I'll be waiting here
-Wonder, Delirious?

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Love is a many splendoured thing. Love! Lift us up where we belong. All you need is love!

The test is over. The holidays are here. I would like to think of it as my holidays still even though there is so much to be done. I don't think I did very well at all for the test, but you'd think I'm just being polite wouldn't you.

Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love.

Christmas is almost here. Feels nothing like it though. I doubt I'd have time to buy presents, wait I never buy presents. No time for making presents either. We'll see how it goes.

You're dying Satine.

I've been snacking A LOT. Popcorn (yes I bought it! finished poppycock in an hour), chocolate, biscuits, cheese twists.

And I used my glittery cream from The Body Shop today. :) Happiness! I smell so nice. lol. and I shimmer now, though not very obviously which isn't a bad thing.

Tell our story Christian, that way I'll-I'll always be with you.

Can you tell I'm obsessed? In the most pleasant way of course.
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It's raining again.
Up, down; left, right; high, low. Nobody knows.
Like a ragged doll tossed around.
I can be extremely loud and noisy one day. And the next, plummet back into darkness.

Nevermind.

I'm temporarily happy because I've finally bought something from The Body Shop! I've a major weak spot for all things nice smelling for the skin/hair and with nice PACKAGING! The Body Shop may not be that great in packaging as compared to l'occitane, but it does fairly well! There's like glitter all over the pump cover thing and the label is nicely printed and has a glitter glue layer on the words. :) So pretty.

From now on, I will not tell myself to save things for another day. Super bad habit of mine since young. I will never use my precious things like lip balms and stuff. I had like this whole tin of lipsmackers from Australia and used it like..... once or twice each only? I still have them now, though I know I'll never use it again cos the smell's gone and my lips will probably rot if I dare use it again. I also had this huge pencil case filled with special nice looking pencils (some had like super cute figurines on the top) that are not even sharpened yet. Most were presents from my tuition teachers, friends and stuff. And obviously they all remained unsharpened, and now my mum gives them away as presents or prizes to her students.

I'm a major hoarder. :/

Now, I've a paper coming up on Wednesday and I've yet to start revision. Not that there are many definitions and figures to memorise, cos it's on scriptwriting, but not starting yet is scary for me! Two days. And tomorrow's a public holiday = mother's home = consistent company = disaster. My iPod would come in handy. But, I haven't stocked up my supplies. I intended to while at Parkway, but no. The supermart called GIANT apparently isn't that huge like its name suggests after all. NO POPCORN. Okay, actually they had. But it was a homebrand one and obviously is already lao hong lor. I was looking for microwave popcorn and the poppycock ones. But I found none. Sigh. I was all excited about getting my popcorn, but no! They didn't sell.

Luckily, I've got some Marks and Spencer cookies from a few weeks back. (Told you I'm a hoarder - 100gms of Famous Amos can last me at least 2 weeks; I'll limit myself to just one a day.) Still, it will not be the same. I suspect I will start studying only after 12 noon tomorrow. :(

Quarantine will have to wait. I hope it'll still be on after this week.

Lost but never alone.

Make it pure, once more.
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There no longer is real trust. Just this fake flimsy version of what trust should be. Maybe there never was any in the first place cos we never had such a situation that demanded it. It's confusing, how some things are said, while some are not but everyone already knows about it. So really, there is no need for words to confirm anything.

Yet the lack of explanation is hurtful. Cos there are so many questions. Underlying currents that threatens to overturn the whole boat. But we're all still smiling pleasantly, sipping on our tea, enjoying the breeze. Seemingly oblivious or refusing to believe what's really going on.

Sigh. Let's see how long this lasts. Because everyone refuses to just come right out and say it.

The gap is growing though we don't want to admit it.

I'm getting tired. No one cares anyway. Everyone wants to be motivated and rah-rahed and convinced to put in any effort at all. Initiative just does not exist in this place.


IN OTHER NEWS

I want to watch Quarantine at Cathay with a huge bucket of salted popcorn and drinks and churros if they still have em. oh I miss churros. And have dinner at Aston's after that cos it's affordable good food. and and and B&Js! Who wants a good scream? Christine? :):):) I'll bring tissues for ya!

RONALD YEO! bumping into you was the highlight of my day. though the moment lasted no more than 2 minutes probably. i was actually thinking of the time i gasped really loudly when i saw you. lol. i miss you guys! :(
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Spoiler alert! Do not read if you have yet to catch this brilliant movie.


Finally, I've finally watched Moulin Rouge. And it definitely lives up to its name. One of the most romantic, though not in the saccharine sweet way, movies ever. And I'm glad that Satine (Nicole Kidman) dies in the end. I think that's what makes it so romantic. I mean, if she doesn't and there is a *cringe* happy ending, everyone would just roll their eyes and the movie will suck! Though I think we all secretly want happy endings, we just hate it when it happens because it is not real at all.

I loved the elaborate design of the Moulin Rouge set, the intricate designs all over the giant elephant, the rich colours - velvet red and gold; the costumes and the pretty jewelleries all over Satine. And Nicole Kidman is just so pretty. I like her nose. Funny how she was the only pretty girl in Moulin Rouge though. The rest are all just scary.

My favourite scene is near the end when the show was on and Christian and Satine, both in tears, stumbles onto stage by accident. He brutally insults her in front of the audience and leaves the stage, and Satine tries to call out to him and explain things by singing their song. It's so emotional and desperate, and when Ewan McGregor's character finally responds, the relief in her face is so precious. I love how they use a song to express so much, how the song took away the need for words and explanation. How that song is like their secret code. How they almost, so painfully, lost their love each other in spite of their insane love and this song pulls them out of it and binds them back together.

And then she dies, in the arms of her lover.

*exhales

Is that not just so devastatingly romantic?


Then I'll write a song. We'll put it in the show and no matter how bad things get or whatever happens, whenever you hear it or when you sing it or whistle it or hum it then you'll know what it'll mean. It'll mean that we love one another.
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Is dying the worst thing that could happen to you?

It isn't for me. In fact I think dying is actually the best thing that could happen to anyone. Think about it, you drop all responsibilities - no more homework, duties. No more expectations to live up to. No more trivialities to fret over. No next person's emotions to care about. No future to plan for, no rainy days to scrimp and save for. No potential pain to armour up for. No more risks. No more pain. No more tears. No more heartache. No more anger. Is that not everyone wants?

Does that not sound so good? How can that ever be the worst thing? Bonus if you're a believer! I'll be on my way to meeting my Saviour. The one person who truly loves me.

Unfortunately death is not something we can plan. No one knows when, besides Him. Unless of course you make your own decision and decide yourself when you want to die and how. Which is pretty common nowadays. Over bankruptcy, broken family, sickness, and even CCA. Many ways to it too. The more traditional ones, jumping off the 12th storey, slitting wrists or throats, taking sleeping pills. For the radicals, jumping into a white tiger enclosure, jumping into the path of approaching MRTs. For the die hard poets, gassing would surely show your devotion to Plath.

This post is so bleak.

But well, it is the truth no? Look around you, read the papers! And honestly (I have no idea why I'm confessing to all you avid readers.) I've been thinking of death more than I should really. It's not like I actively contemplate how I should die, no I'm not that emo. Images just stay in my mind all the time. Whenever I'm angry, slit wrists appear. I always think of how Mr Harkins told us that you should slit not only your wrist but all the way vertically to your inner elbows (whatever that is called). I'm sure he did it in hopes of reverse psychology. When I'm sad, blood everywhere. When I'm a total blank, more gore. And most of the time I'm one of the above 3, so you get what goes on in my mind.

I'm sure everyone's pretty freaked out by me and my very blunt openness. But hey, you want the truth? Here's the truth. I'm not okay. I'm not good. I don't feel like smiling so stop asking me to cheer up. Don't ask me what's wrong because you know that I'm only gonna say nothing.

On the other hand, I think its only appropriate for me to thank everyone who has showed concern in one way or another. I appreciate your kind thoughts and I'm sure you genuinely want to hear me out, but I very politely reject and ask for your understanding. Its tiring to say anything. I don't even know what the problem is really. Its so many things, and nothing at all. I'm sure its not the things that are the problem, but with me. I've never been bogged down by anything to this extent so this is really weird for me.

I constantly feel like there's a dark heavy cloud hovering over me. My face is expressionless when I don't need to fake a pathetic meek smile, and it feels like it weighs a ton. I almost forget how to smile sometimes. The feeling is dreadful. I don't enjoy it down here. I feel like the world's biggest loser, like I'm out to make things bad and dreary for myself. But I can't help it.

Here's the part where you can all heave a sigh of relief, cos I'm telling you that I will not attempt suicide anytime soon. So not need for worries. As easy a way out as it is, dying is cowardly. It is getting rid of all baggage, but it also is shirking off responsibility. Running away. It leaves your baggage for others to carry and creates bigger heavier burdens for others. You leave people behind. All the emotional pain you'd have caused. Some might stumble because of you. Dying is selfish. And what happens to hopes and dreams? What happens to fulfilling the one thing you're here for? You permanently rid yourself of a chance to shine your special light.

I'd love to be taken away. But I wouldn't really want that right now, for I've yet to accomplish anything. I've not left a mark, made an impact, spread the love enough. If I died now, people will say: so young, so wasted. And that is not how I want to be remembered - the girl who died too soon. My life would be a waste. Studying and slogging all these years, for nothing. I would stand before God ashamed. Nothing to my name.

I long to smile again. Properly. I long to be infectious and bursting with energy again. There's so much to be done.

I long to be close to Him again. I feel so far away. I feel so alone. I feel so useless. I feel like nothing I do will ever be right so what's the point. I feel so small, left to fend for myself. Where art thou O Lord. I know You're there, I just can't hear You anymore. Maybe I'm not listening hard enough. Or not at all. Will You please shout or scream?

It kills me to think that I'm falling. I'm so scared. Losing my faith is the worst thing that could happen to me. I'd rather die.

No, I'll never let go.
But please, let me know I'm pleasing to You Lord. I need it so badly.
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Just because I entertain you does not mean I'm a doormat for you to walk all over.

It's a very thin line you're treading on.
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