This is going to be another long post that Belle and Rachel would label as boring. Just to warn you.

Well, I've been thinking, of intent and motives again. I don't know why, just did. And it just got me wondering, what is the reason behind our actions. The bigger reason. The main gist of them all. Why are we always out to beat people, to out-talk, to outwit and out-stand everyone else?

Honestly, no matter how much I drill inside my head 'humility humility humility' that tinge of self-ness (I wouldn't say selfishness cos that has too much of a negative implication) would still slip between the cracks and emerge, getting the better of me. Isn't it so true for everyone else to? We have the need for self glorification. We need people to acknowledge our accomplishments. We need people to approve. We need people to know that we were the first to start a certain trend. A certain word even. It is scary. This self-ness could turn friends, best friends even, against each other. The desire to emerge as the winner. Pride. Popularity. Prestige.

Why is it so important to us? Focusing so much on this little bits of 'victories' if you would call them that and missing the whole gretaer cause. Is the taste of this 'victory' - in slamming others, parading your achievements, announcing it to the whole world, putting others down and, more often than not, hurting them in turn to emerge as the 'winner' - so delectable that one goes all out for it? Is it worth it?

It's just human. I guess mere instincts? It is survival of the fittest ain't it? To show off. To be smarter, more desired, prettier, lovable, popular, wittier, richer, more creative. Boy does the list go on. We want to be the best at everything. BUT just being the best isn't enough. Making sure people know you're the best. That is like the cherry on top of that scrumptious sundae.

It is sad. A sad stark truth that it is indeed a dog-eat-dog world we live in. No matter how harmonious the society may seem on the macro level, deep down, everywhere there's politics. Even children nowadays. No more pure innocence in them i dare say. The competition on who plays the games better, who has the better toys, who gets to eat better food. Its all showy. Show and tell.

So easy it is to speak about other people. Identify these ill traits of others, of the society, of the whole human race. But I don't deny this... concept applying to my life. I feel it too. The urge to say something to showcase my vocabulary, my knowledge, my creativity. I find this especially true when it comes to our individual fortes. Yes? Easy example: the game we were playing at Azrael's yseterday. Scrabble Thief. I could feel the tension. Seriously, I knew that there was 'bu gan yuan'-ness from that game. The competitive streak in us was oh so dominant and we just wanted to win. To be the smarter one, the quicker one.

How complicated is the human mind. Even more so when combined with our charateristics.

Why don't we understand, that when it really boils down to our survival, we need each other. Just imagine. If an earthquake were to have taken place during our game yesterday, who would've bothered anymore about the game? Which words belonged to who? Who said what first? These games we play, they don't really matter. Do they?

I would give you more examples, but I think you get my point right.

So, I'm here to say that I'm recognising these horrible traits in me, and am praying that it would never get to me so much that I'd neglect the feelings of those around me. If ever it does happen, or for all the times in the past when it did happen, I'm saying sorry.
Especially to my dear laaa. :) English has always been a testy issue, though unmentioned, between us huh.
And Zoe, I guess this is what propelled someone to blog those SMSes?

Whatever it is, I love you girls. Always have always will.
And everyone else reading this too! Belle, Christine, Rae, EQ, Joram, Aaron, Clement, Ronald. Here's JANINE saying sorry for anything she's done to hurt, consciously or unaware, you. Christine, who cares about who started with the nail polish first? Haha

LOVE!
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