PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD!

Weeeeeeeeeee! A little victory for me! All glory to God!!! :):):)

It's a miracle I wasn't all frantic and stressed over leading worship. I had this mysterious sense that I knew what I was doing and everything will go well. No racing heartbeat. No running through songs in my head over and over again. THANK YOU LORD! It can only be Him, taking away my anxieties and replacing them with His assurance! :)

No more boxes God. I want to enjoy serving You. I want you to be the captain of my life.

YAY!
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Janine, you need to get rid of can't and cannot from your vocabulary.

I realise that I say to myself too often - nah I can never do that! I can never sing like that. I'll never be able to pull that off! And I don't even try. I mean, what's the point if I know I won't do it well, right? What's the use of trying and... failing? You've got to know your standards right. Don't be so ambitious.

Although the last point is probably true; being too ambitious and confident just depresses you when results don't meet expectations, shrugging challenges off before even trying is really just cowardly. I'll admit, I'm afraid of failure. I prefer to do things I'm confident I can excel in. I hate feeling unsure of myself, unsure of the results I'll get. I don't like being thrown in the dark and having to find my way around. I'll probably get hurt and make mistakes here and there. And I really don't like that.

But c'mon. That's being self reliant and self centred! Why am I so afraid of failure? Cos I'll disgrace myself. I'll lose face. Janine must be perfect. Janine cannot make mistakes.

HAH!

Who do I think I am? I'm just janine. HE is God. I should disappear. He should be shining so brightly that no one remembers janine.

Yet, this are all words. So easy to say. So nice to read. But I've been struggling with this problem since day 1, nothing has changed. I'm more aware of God in my life, more aware that He can come through my weaknesses and use them to His glory. But have I let go? Have I died to myself? No.

Occasionally I get little victories, yeah. But when the big ones come. I get flustered and freak totally. Then I get upset and beat myself up about it. Because I've allowed my ME thoughts to consume me and distract me from serving Him with my all. It struck me when EQ raised a microphone issue I have. There's something about the mic that takes away my songs to God. When the mic appears, I automatically turn my internal volume down and have less to sing.

O LORD, Help me!

Stop being stuck janine. Stop being so proud. Stop saving face. I need to lose face so much that I have nothing left.

With God, nothing is cannot. It's down to us. Whether we want to let go and let God.

Stop holding on janine. You can't. But He can. Please let Him.
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Watch the video! That's Lucky from Mraz's new album We sing, we dance, we steal things. I've been listening to it over and over and over. :) Such a sweet song. I love the harmony. As much as I love the original, the cover done by AJ Rafael and Cathy Nguyen is so good and it's cute too! They are talented!


"They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this"

I love this line. I can't wait till I can claim it. But I am patiently waiting. :) Woots.

I apologise for the lack of interesting thought provoking posts. They'll come soon.
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The past few days have been really trying for me. Only God knows the extent of 'trying' I'm talking about. But it is shocking how extreme things can be. I mean, I've been walking closely with God for the pass few months and all that was completely shaken in a matter of minutes. I allowed myself to be confused by thoughts the devil put in my head and I was convinced that God has left me alone. I know now that just thinking that is crazy, but when you're alone with the myriad of thoughts, things can seem really really really bleak. And I was just really torn apart inside, unable to see God in that situation.

I became very unsure of this blog. I felt for a while that the things I've been blogging about - how God has been speaking to me and things I've been learning - have put me in this very vulnerable position. And it really felt like everyone was just watching with a let's see how long she can pull this off mentality, and waiting for me to fall.

I thought for a while before blogging this, because by doing this I'm just putting myself on a more vulnerable position, I'm letting people in to see the raw Janine who's not all that. But I felt like I should share this. We don't always go through good stuffs all the way. Sure God will reveal things to us, speak to us and teach us things. But it will not always be the way we think, or want it to be - that has been the biggest lesson I've learnt through this test.

God puts TESTs in our lives so that we may have TESTimonies to glorify Him.

I have no answers to how to face these low situations, but I know that it hurts. Real bad. But the hurt will go away and be forgotten if you don't dwell on it and continue to fervently seek God to come through for you and deliver you from your situation.

Fellow brothers and sisters come in real handy here. Even if its just to pour your hearts out to them, and not having them have to say anything at all, the hurts half gone. Thing is, we know what's right, we know what the Bible says and what God promises. So when you start to share things, you automatically say things like "I know it's not true but I feel that God is rejecting me" and when you say things, you remind yourself of the truth and you realise how silly you have been, and it takes away that little bit of insecurity and doubt.

I'm really really thankful for 2 wonderful buddies in my life who are really playing a huge encouraging role - you guys don't know how much I appreciate you really. It's a miracle that I'm able to share things so freely with you 2 and its an answered prayer from God, for brothers and sisters whom I can share my deepest thoughts and troubles with.

God is really faithful. He even sent me a wonderful e-pal :) Hi van!

I know that there are people in this battle with me, on my side, on God's side. Hi satan, nice try. But I won't let you pull me down. God will not let you pull me down. My friends will not let you pull me down.

Isaiah 40: 27 - A verse that really spoke to me.
Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD; ,
my cause is disregarded by my God"?

And it goes on to say

Isaiah 40:30-31
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

My dears, if when you go through trying times, remember that I'm on your side, He's on your side. We're rooting for you.
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