Janine, you need to get rid of can't and cannot from your vocabulary.

I realise that I say to myself too often - nah I can never do that! I can never sing like that. I'll never be able to pull that off! And I don't even try. I mean, what's the point if I know I won't do it well, right? What's the use of trying and... failing? You've got to know your standards right. Don't be so ambitious.

Although the last point is probably true; being too ambitious and confident just depresses you when results don't meet expectations, shrugging challenges off before even trying is really just cowardly. I'll admit, I'm afraid of failure. I prefer to do things I'm confident I can excel in. I hate feeling unsure of myself, unsure of the results I'll get. I don't like being thrown in the dark and having to find my way around. I'll probably get hurt and make mistakes here and there. And I really don't like that.

But c'mon. That's being self reliant and self centred! Why am I so afraid of failure? Cos I'll disgrace myself. I'll lose face. Janine must be perfect. Janine cannot make mistakes.

HAH!

Who do I think I am? I'm just janine. HE is God. I should disappear. He should be shining so brightly that no one remembers janine.

Yet, this are all words. So easy to say. So nice to read. But I've been struggling with this problem since day 1, nothing has changed. I'm more aware of God in my life, more aware that He can come through my weaknesses and use them to His glory. But have I let go? Have I died to myself? No.

Occasionally I get little victories, yeah. But when the big ones come. I get flustered and freak totally. Then I get upset and beat myself up about it. Because I've allowed my ME thoughts to consume me and distract me from serving Him with my all. It struck me when EQ raised a microphone issue I have. There's something about the mic that takes away my songs to God. When the mic appears, I automatically turn my internal volume down and have less to sing.

O LORD, Help me!

Stop being stuck janine. Stop being so proud. Stop saving face. I need to lose face so much that I have nothing left.

With God, nothing is cannot. It's down to us. Whether we want to let go and let God.

Stop holding on janine. You can't. But He can. Please let Him.
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