Is dying the worst thing that could happen to you?

It isn't for me. In fact I think dying is actually the best thing that could happen to anyone. Think about it, you drop all responsibilities - no more homework, duties. No more expectations to live up to. No more trivialities to fret over. No next person's emotions to care about. No future to plan for, no rainy days to scrimp and save for. No potential pain to armour up for. No more risks. No more pain. No more tears. No more heartache. No more anger. Is that not everyone wants?

Does that not sound so good? How can that ever be the worst thing? Bonus if you're a believer! I'll be on my way to meeting my Saviour. The one person who truly loves me.

Unfortunately death is not something we can plan. No one knows when, besides Him. Unless of course you make your own decision and decide yourself when you want to die and how. Which is pretty common nowadays. Over bankruptcy, broken family, sickness, and even CCA. Many ways to it too. The more traditional ones, jumping off the 12th storey, slitting wrists or throats, taking sleeping pills. For the radicals, jumping into a white tiger enclosure, jumping into the path of approaching MRTs. For the die hard poets, gassing would surely show your devotion to Plath.

This post is so bleak.

But well, it is the truth no? Look around you, read the papers! And honestly (I have no idea why I'm confessing to all you avid readers.) I've been thinking of death more than I should really. It's not like I actively contemplate how I should die, no I'm not that emo. Images just stay in my mind all the time. Whenever I'm angry, slit wrists appear. I always think of how Mr Harkins told us that you should slit not only your wrist but all the way vertically to your inner elbows (whatever that is called). I'm sure he did it in hopes of reverse psychology. When I'm sad, blood everywhere. When I'm a total blank, more gore. And most of the time I'm one of the above 3, so you get what goes on in my mind.

I'm sure everyone's pretty freaked out by me and my very blunt openness. But hey, you want the truth? Here's the truth. I'm not okay. I'm not good. I don't feel like smiling so stop asking me to cheer up. Don't ask me what's wrong because you know that I'm only gonna say nothing.

On the other hand, I think its only appropriate for me to thank everyone who has showed concern in one way or another. I appreciate your kind thoughts and I'm sure you genuinely want to hear me out, but I very politely reject and ask for your understanding. Its tiring to say anything. I don't even know what the problem is really. Its so many things, and nothing at all. I'm sure its not the things that are the problem, but with me. I've never been bogged down by anything to this extent so this is really weird for me.

I constantly feel like there's a dark heavy cloud hovering over me. My face is expressionless when I don't need to fake a pathetic meek smile, and it feels like it weighs a ton. I almost forget how to smile sometimes. The feeling is dreadful. I don't enjoy it down here. I feel like the world's biggest loser, like I'm out to make things bad and dreary for myself. But I can't help it.

Here's the part where you can all heave a sigh of relief, cos I'm telling you that I will not attempt suicide anytime soon. So not need for worries. As easy a way out as it is, dying is cowardly. It is getting rid of all baggage, but it also is shirking off responsibility. Running away. It leaves your baggage for others to carry and creates bigger heavier burdens for others. You leave people behind. All the emotional pain you'd have caused. Some might stumble because of you. Dying is selfish. And what happens to hopes and dreams? What happens to fulfilling the one thing you're here for? You permanently rid yourself of a chance to shine your special light.

I'd love to be taken away. But I wouldn't really want that right now, for I've yet to accomplish anything. I've not left a mark, made an impact, spread the love enough. If I died now, people will say: so young, so wasted. And that is not how I want to be remembered - the girl who died too soon. My life would be a waste. Studying and slogging all these years, for nothing. I would stand before God ashamed. Nothing to my name.

I long to smile again. Properly. I long to be infectious and bursting with energy again. There's so much to be done.

I long to be close to Him again. I feel so far away. I feel so alone. I feel so useless. I feel like nothing I do will ever be right so what's the point. I feel so small, left to fend for myself. Where art thou O Lord. I know You're there, I just can't hear You anymore. Maybe I'm not listening hard enough. Or not at all. Will You please shout or scream?

It kills me to think that I'm falling. I'm so scared. Losing my faith is the worst thing that could happen to me. I'd rather die.

No, I'll never let go.
But please, let me know I'm pleasing to You Lord. I need it so badly.
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