Hmm.

Obviously it has been ages since I've blogged. I stopped because I felt like.... there were too many silent eyes reading. Also because I have really been busy with videos, church camp, being a tourist with Peter and Clayton. I'm happy to say that I no longer am a slave to the internet. I can not come online for days and not suffer from withdrawal symptoms. YAY ME!

I've just started writing in this pretty book that I got last Christmas from erns. That's a huge step for me because I'm the kind of person who needs things to be done at the exact right time in the exact right manner; especially when it involves new pretty notebooks. I thought a long long time before deciding to go ahead with it. And even then, the things I had to think about - what pen to use, whether to use different coloured pens or just stick to one colour so that it'd be neat, whether to write along the lines or squeeze 2 rows in one, whether to start on the first page, whether to use both sides of the page or not.

AND, when I've decided on all of the above, the first page I write on will most probably be ripped off and rewritten because my handwriting was not nice enough or my thoughts didn't flow the right way, the words I use are not good enough. I end up stopping altogether because I feel disgusted by how I cannot write and express myself the way I want to, the way I expect myself to.

But, I realise that my handwriting does not have to perfect, my sentences does not need to flow like Sylvia Plath's and be deep because I'm not perfect, I'm not some wistful literature freak who writes in rhymes and inspires the world. Everytime I refuse to pen down my thoughts or rip out something I wrote, I'm refusing to accept myself for who I am. I'm prideful. My ideal self is not my real self and I'm starting to realise that. Well duh! Of course I'm not my ideal self. But I think that I think that I can be my ideal self if I ignore the not so ideal parts of my real self.

Okay. So to sum up all that, I need to write more in my book and less here. That way, its the raw Janine and not the edited and polished one. It's weird. I'm becoming more and more withdrawn. Comes with age? Probably. No wonder I deleted my old blog.

:]

I tweet a lot more than I'd blog or go on MSN.

Peter has a problem with my banner that's supposed to be temporary.

I secretly hope that this post sounds sophisticated or a little deep at least. Sheesh. I need to get a life.
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I really could use with 24 more hours each week. Not that I'm saying you should give it to me. I'll probably just get even busier.

Just thought I'd ask. :]

Thank You for Your Word. That never fails, brings life and produces fruit.

Love, Janine
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